I don’t like mirrors. And not because I have a problem with the way I look.
I do have a problem with the way I look—but not for the obvious reasons one might make that statement.
I love my life. I have a lot of contentment and each day I wake up knowing I am blessed. I didn’t always have this sense of things—and honestly contentment took awhile to come around. Maybe wisdom visited my doorstep and handed me a bottle of Visine or maybe things have slowly changed for the better—perhaps both. In any case—I feel really blessed with the way things are in my life. Things are by no means perfect. It isn’t a bed of roses and chocolate here. Lots of areas for improvement in each direction I look. Yet overall,things are good. They are so much better than they’ve been at any point in my adult life and I’ve taken notice. I am, more than anything, thankful that things have finally reached this point. Not only are things good… but I feel good. Minor colds, flus, and other ailments aside, I really feel great deep down, about the way things are shaping up and turning out. For once, I can smile and mean it.
Ah, but then I look in a mirror.
And what I see on the outside isn’t quite matching what I feel on the inside. I feel wonderful on the inside—fully blessed at this point. So why don’t I see that on the outside? Now—seriously—I don’t expect to look like a super-model, all beautiful and thin, that is not what I am referring to at all. (I am realistic in that department and I’m know that I look okay other than I still need to drop 40lbs, which I’m working on.) Rather, my mindset is that I have a mismatch from how I feel to what I see. I feel like I’m coming into my own, things are really falling into place. I have a distinct peace within my being and my outlook on life—but I don’t see a reflection of that when I see myself in a mirror. It almost resembles looking at my reflection in rock-rippled water—it is still me but my reflection is distorted by the small wake the pebble made as it skips across its surface. It sort of takes me back and then my mind starts turning trying to make sense of the distortion…which it hasn’t been able to quite work out yet. Leaving me perplexed and overly self-conscious of any reflective surface.
I question if what I am seeing is a distortion—or is it part of my reality? Am I fooling myself into believing things are really this good? Do I need to pinch myself and make sure I’m still living this wonderful life— or is the mirror trying to smack me upside the head and say, “you have a ways to go until you’re really living the good life.”
I don’t expect any real answers to my questions. I just have to somehow make sense of this mismatch in my perceptions. However—nothing can steal the joy I feel and I’d rather feel this sort of happiness than see it anyway. Besides—we can all fake a smile—but how many of us choose to claim the ear-to-ear grin when it is genuine?? I choose to claim it.